Lego my Ego

Prison is a very hard place. I learned very quickly that you cannot show your weaknesses or you will be taken advantage of. This is why when you look at an inmate who has just paroled from prison, you can tell that they have just gotten out. I know when I paroled my friends called my look, ‘the infamous Ed’, because my head was always way up, where I had to look down my nose at people. My shoulders were always back and I was always immediately ready for a fight if one came my way. This did not mean that I wanted to fight. I just learned that bullies like to pray on easy targets. In prison it is a hustle to prey on the weak, and some guys make good money doing it. I was not always that hard though. When I left home 2 days before my 18th birthday, I had many weaknesses. To give you a glimpse at that old me, let me share a story with you.

When I was 18 my roommate Joe and I went to pickup my girlfriend from her house. At this point I had never been in a fight. I was always taught to turn the other cheek. My girlfriend lived in Oildale, a white ghetto outside of Bakersfield California, where me and my best friend Aaron moved after we left home. In Oildale, allot of kids learn to knife fight before they are teenagers. So here I am, a kid who has just left a high control religion and am new to the world, never been in a fight, and I start dating a girl in the heart of the ghetto. So we pull up to my girlfriends house and I get out and open the door for her like a gentleman. She gets in the car, I close the door, and the neighbor kid yells at me from across the street, “Ask her how my dick tastes!” I look up with a mix of surprise and alarm. I try to overcome my initial intimidation and said, “What did you say?” In a harder tone then I felt, but my bluff didn’t work.

“What you gunna do punk!” He shouted at me and started walking at me fast and angry. In my mind I didn’t know what to do. I felt like this guy was breaking the rules here. I didn’t do anything wrong. I didn’t even know the guy, so why on earth would he be wanting to pick a fight with me? As he approached I began to walk backwards, then around the car where he began to chase me. I was scared to death of this guy. He looked like he could kill me! Then my girlfriend jumped out of the car. She was 120 pounds soaking wet. She was in a miniskirt and pulled off her high heels and started chasing the guy. He paused for a second and I jumped in the car to save myself. This is the heroic old me!

Fast forward 18 years and by most forms of measurement you could say I’m not that weak kid anymore. I mean I’ve been through prison. I’ve been a kick boxer and a grappler. I’ve been a bodyguard and have been living with a kung fu master for the last 6 months, but am I strong? I asked myself this question over the weekend while attending my first Tiger Claw tournament where I performed my Tai Chi form and took first place! (I was the only one in my division). The tournament was not what I expected. It wasn’t organized the way a jiu jitsu tournament would be. It reminded me more of a Jehovahs Witness convention than a martial arts tournament. The reason being is everyone was smiling. No one was walking around like a tough guy. The competitors where arguing to make sure their opponents where treated fairly by the judges. I looked around and realized that the people performing were so humble. So soft. They were so happy! 

I went back to my hotel room to freshen up before heading over to the theater to watch Guardians of the Galaxy 2 and I stopped to look in the mirror. I looked at myself wondering if I would ever be able to take this mask down that I’ve donned. I wondered if I took this mask off and stripped off some layers that still remain from prison would I be as strong as I’ve led myself to believe I am? Or is this guy in the mirror just an invention of my own ego. If I were truly strong, then why am I so concerned with appearing to look weak? Why am I so guarded and afraid of intimacy and commitment? I no longer walk around with my head ten feet high, but I still walk around with something to prove. This is my ego. The personality that I have developed to protect myself. I cannot lose. I am not wrong. I’m all that and a bag of chips, and in this moment of clarity I realized how weak that truly makes me. 

From my days as a minister I recall this verse of the bible:

“For those who exalt themselves will be humbled, and those who humble themselves will be exalted.” Matt 23:12

And this quote;

“All you need to know and observe in yourself is this: Whenever you feel superior or inferior to anyone, that's the ego in you.”

~ Eckhart Tolle

I began to reflect on my life and realized that my ego, the very thing that I built up to protect me, has become my greatest weakness. I look around at all the smiling faces at the Tiger Claw tournament. All the happy smiling faces at the retreat center from these martial artist and some visitors. All so humble. All so kind and benevolent. Quick to see the good in all things, and the best in people and I long for that. I realize I am not strong at all.  I was disowned by my mother and my brothers and my sister. I am afraid of being hurt so I don’t let anyone close. I was a skinny christian kid cast into the world of drug dealers and gangsters and I was afraid, so I won’t let the slightest issue of respect go. Did that guy look at me crazy? Someone bumped into me and didn’t say excuse me! Have I become so weak that I have to nitpick humanity until there is nothing anyone can do that is right?

Its time for a paradigm shift so I’ve come up with a plan. For the next 30 days I am not going to complain. I will force myself to only see the good in people. I will give people the benefit of the doubt. I will do random acts of kindness. I am going to put my strength to the test. I am going to see if I am strong enough to let my ego deflate a little bit and be soft. 

        When I first arrived at the retreat center I wrote this song and thought this post was the right time to share it, I hope you enjoy it!

  

Centering

When I was young, my hands were soft, 

My Mama told me son, don’t let this cold world hardened your heart.

Stolen by a man of the cloth, who taught something that ain’t real,

They convinced you not to talk to your son.

How do you think I feel now that I’m older

Do you see that I have a problem being sober

I have women who are a friends and make love but cannot get closer

If my mother had’ve called me tonight, I would’ve told her

I haven’t loved in 17 years, and I haven’t shed but 17 tears

In my whole life, but my chest feels so tight tonight.

I haven’t let any woman near, you left me here with too many fears

and i have no wife, but in my old life I was soft…

When I was young, my hands were soft

They’ve been calloused by these years

My own blood has hardened my heart.

Controlled by a man of the cloth

Oh man I miss my blood, what I wouldn’t give to have you near

I’ve come to a mountain pass that I must get over

I’m tired of trying so hard just to stay sober.

I’ve been carrying too much weight on top of my shoulders

For to long I’ve held all this pain and now I need closure.

Cause I haven’t loved in 17 years, and I haven’t shed but 17 tears

In my whole life, but my chest feels so tight tonight.

And i haven’t let any woman near, you left me here with too many fears,

But I let go tonight, my new goal in life is to be soft

Here's a link to my performance 
https://youtu.be/A0XCLPDW44g
And I thought it would be good to leave you with some pictures of the Tigerclaw tournament So here are some of the highlights!!!

         
 Above thats me getting ready for my performance               Above Declan taking first!
And below Master Yang in a ribbon cutting ceremony           Below a sign from an Irish pub

This is me to the left in the hotel lobby with all the weapons. I came in peace tho!
And to the right a world record for largest group to do tai chi 24 form.