I love you
In 1998 I was disfellowshipped from the Jehovahs Witness religion. For those of you who don't know what that means, when the Jehovahs witnesses disfellowship you they tell your friends and family not to talk to you. In fact when I was 16 the elders in my congregation advised me not to talk to my own father because he was disfellowshipped. This ultimately led to me leaving the religion. The price I had to pay for being honest with myself and following my inner conscience was the loss of all of my friends and all of my family that were still Jehovahs Witnesses. Fast forward to last January my grandma passed away and for the first time in almost 17 years I saw my mom. I held her hand and she cried to me as she told me she would never talk to me again. I saw my sister and both my brothers. They were beautiful people. Happy, kind and shared many of my personality traits. They didn't ask me how my life was, or how I had gotten along alone in the world. After the funeral my brother rushed me out before I could talk anyone and tried to figure out a way to convince me that I should go back to the religion.
It's been a year now, and as I look back on the last year I realize I did a very poor job of dealing with this family reunion. I felt so many repressed emotions. I pushed everyone in my life away from me without realizing I was doing it. I didn't date. I didn't even want anyone to touch me. I was angry and felt betrayed. I realize now that this was an emotional response to dealing with very old wounds I have hidden from but never dealt with. Most of my life I have lived with the intention of sharing love with the people I come across in my life. 2017 was not one of those years. It is hard to admit that but I know it is the truth.
We live in a very tense time as a culture. There are great divides that separate us. Racism, gender inequality, and social status have been brought to the forefront of our minds due to the political climate we have. I have watched allot of activism pop up lately, and some people have become very angry. They feel like they are not being considered. If they are poor, or a minority. A prisoner in a cell or a prisoner of drug addiction, then who is their voice? When people are not heard or considered they become loud because they want to be heard. I understand this because in my own way that is what I went through this last year. Now as the dust settles and my emotions are becoming more balanced I see that there is very little good that has come from my anger. Even though I felt justified, and although it fueled me to work harder than I ever have, the relationships that I formed have been so shallow. The relationships that I already have have suffered the same fate.
Being aware of this reality has made evaluate my own motivations. If I am not motivated by love and benevolence than even if I accomplish a goal, what good will it do? What will be the fruit produced by my labor? This year I want to have my goals firmly rooted in love for my fellow man. Love for my neighbor. The videos I produce this year will reflect that I hope. I also want to encourage activist to keep fighting for what you believe in! My only hope is that when you engage the world to make it better do it with love as your motivation, and not anger. It is a pyrrhic victory if you build a movement with hate in your heart.
The Jehovahs Witness leaders say that when you leave the religion, satan attacks you. When you are shunned by your family and thrown into a world you were sheltered from your whole life, it is easy to become self destructive. To get depressed and in my life, use drugs as a means of escaping that pain. In hind site I played right into their hands. They took away my entire support structure knowing that the majority would lose it, and I did, then pointed at me as example of what happens when a person leaves, scaring those still in the religion from ever leaving and experiencing what I experienced. Is it any difference in the political movements that are going on right now?
There are people involved in the black lives matter movement who are fomenting hate for white people. Even though I was raised in a trailer, a victim of police brutality and of the drug war, people have told me that I am white privilege simply for the color of my skin. Is this a pendulum swinging from one racist attitude to another? I would hope that no one would judge me for the color of my skin, and thus give me the same respect they would ask me to give them. To all of you who have experienced racism, I am so sorry no matter what race you are. I believe that all lives matter.
This is the same for many movements going on in the country. Women rights matter. People should be allowed to marry who they want without being judged for it. Ultimately each person should be allowed to pursue a happy life as long as they don't infringe on another persons right to do the same. I'll be the first to admit that I don't know what it's like to be black, or to have been sexually assaulted. I'm not gay and have not had to deal with how family and culture react to coming out. I do know what it's like to be homeless. To have your whole family and all of your childhood friends disown you. I know what it's like to be beaten by cops, and what it's like to be locked in a prison cell and what it's like to be addicted to drugs. My only point is that many people have suffered in this world and I hope that your suffering doesn't make you think less of me simply for my race or gender. I am so sorry for your suffering and I want all who fight for injustice to know that I love you because you are a human. I love you even if you've made mistakes. I love you because it's the only thing I can do that I think can truly make the world a better place.
It's been a year now, and as I look back on the last year I realize I did a very poor job of dealing with this family reunion. I felt so many repressed emotions. I pushed everyone in my life away from me without realizing I was doing it. I didn't date. I didn't even want anyone to touch me. I was angry and felt betrayed. I realize now that this was an emotional response to dealing with very old wounds I have hidden from but never dealt with. Most of my life I have lived with the intention of sharing love with the people I come across in my life. 2017 was not one of those years. It is hard to admit that but I know it is the truth.
We live in a very tense time as a culture. There are great divides that separate us. Racism, gender inequality, and social status have been brought to the forefront of our minds due to the political climate we have. I have watched allot of activism pop up lately, and some people have become very angry. They feel like they are not being considered. If they are poor, or a minority. A prisoner in a cell or a prisoner of drug addiction, then who is their voice? When people are not heard or considered they become loud because they want to be heard. I understand this because in my own way that is what I went through this last year. Now as the dust settles and my emotions are becoming more balanced I see that there is very little good that has come from my anger. Even though I felt justified, and although it fueled me to work harder than I ever have, the relationships that I formed have been so shallow. The relationships that I already have have suffered the same fate.
Being aware of this reality has made evaluate my own motivations. If I am not motivated by love and benevolence than even if I accomplish a goal, what good will it do? What will be the fruit produced by my labor? This year I want to have my goals firmly rooted in love for my fellow man. Love for my neighbor. The videos I produce this year will reflect that I hope. I also want to encourage activist to keep fighting for what you believe in! My only hope is that when you engage the world to make it better do it with love as your motivation, and not anger. It is a pyrrhic victory if you build a movement with hate in your heart.
The Jehovahs Witness leaders say that when you leave the religion, satan attacks you. When you are shunned by your family and thrown into a world you were sheltered from your whole life, it is easy to become self destructive. To get depressed and in my life, use drugs as a means of escaping that pain. In hind site I played right into their hands. They took away my entire support structure knowing that the majority would lose it, and I did, then pointed at me as example of what happens when a person leaves, scaring those still in the religion from ever leaving and experiencing what I experienced. Is it any difference in the political movements that are going on right now?
There are people involved in the black lives matter movement who are fomenting hate for white people. Even though I was raised in a trailer, a victim of police brutality and of the drug war, people have told me that I am white privilege simply for the color of my skin. Is this a pendulum swinging from one racist attitude to another? I would hope that no one would judge me for the color of my skin, and thus give me the same respect they would ask me to give them. To all of you who have experienced racism, I am so sorry no matter what race you are. I believe that all lives matter.
This is the same for many movements going on in the country. Women rights matter. People should be allowed to marry who they want without being judged for it. Ultimately each person should be allowed to pursue a happy life as long as they don't infringe on another persons right to do the same. I'll be the first to admit that I don't know what it's like to be black, or to have been sexually assaulted. I'm not gay and have not had to deal with how family and culture react to coming out. I do know what it's like to be homeless. To have your whole family and all of your childhood friends disown you. I know what it's like to be beaten by cops, and what it's like to be locked in a prison cell and what it's like to be addicted to drugs. My only point is that many people have suffered in this world and I hope that your suffering doesn't make you think less of me simply for my race or gender. I am so sorry for your suffering and I want all who fight for injustice to know that I love you because you are a human. I love you even if you've made mistakes. I love you because it's the only thing I can do that I think can truly make the world a better place.
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