You are beautiful

"Our lives are not our own. We are bound to each other, past and present. And by each crime and every act of kindness, we birth our future"… Cloud Atlas

When I lived with Master Yang Jwing Ming in Miranda at his kung fu retreat, I did not feel beautiful. I looked at these students who were so kind and healthy. They were beautiful. I on the other hand felt very ugly. I had done so many bad things in my life. I carried so much guilt and shame. Every morning I would wake up and go into the main room to meditate and everyone was smiling. Master Yang would make me tea and ask how I slept. Javier had put my meditation mat out for me. Every night someone would make dinner for me. It would consist of fresh food from our garden. It would always be high quality food. Then those that cooked would eat last. They would wait for everyone to be served first. At dinner we would talk about our lives. Share our thoughts about the condition of the world. We would socialize and share ourselves openly with each other. 

There were days when I did not feel like being there. 

I felt too ugly to be around those people.

I am a gangster. 

I hurt people. 

My mom disowned me, I must not be good enough.

However when I left the company of these beautiful students, no one tried to stop me. When I got upset about something the people around me would apologize. When I began to open up about my feelings of shame and guilt, my friend Piper listened and then shrugged his shoulders and said, ‘I don’t know Ed, I like you’. It was simple there. No one cared what I had done, they were only concerned with what I did then, at that point in my life. Slowly I began not to feel ugly. Slowly the mask I wore began to slide off my face. Years of prison, and being around manipulative people. Years of being in a cult. Each of those experiences taught me to hide a part of myself until I hid from everyone. Slowly I began to reveal myself. 

When I came back to the city to be closer to my dad, I looked at my culture and became very empathetic. I see people who want to look a certain way. They spend allot of money to have fat removed from their bodies or to put botox in their lips. They want to create the appearance of beauty, and I look at them and think, you are already beautiful. It is not this mask that makes us beautiful. It is not the clothes we wear or the make up we put on. When I drive through the ghetto I see many angry faces. Many sad faces. People that have lost hope. Maybe they use a drug just to be able to exist another unbearable day. I look at them and want to tell them they are so beautiful.

I learned through kung fu that our bodies are incredibly powerful. Our lifestyles sometimes don’t allow us to move the way our bodies are designed to move. Sometimes we sit and find it very hard to get up. Sometimes we work at a desk or in a truck. Some are just so helpless in addiction, they are breaking down their bodies daily, but they are still beautiful. I learned in kung fu that walking and certain movements can move the muscles around your internal organs, helping to increase the amount of blood that circulates in your body, and promoting good organ health. This is a great way to combat a lifestyle that may not be as active as our bodies require. 

I also learned how to be present. What I mean by that, is I learned how to let go of yesterday, and not live to much in tomorrow, but to truly engage in the day I was living. This helped me to overcome my depression and guilt. To be present I could look at nature and admire it. I didn’t think that the world was a horrible place, I noticed it was beautiful. I looked at a  person and admired the good qualities in them. If they are funny. If they are kind and caring. If they are honest. These are the qualities I began to notice. If you are missing teeth or overweight. If you were born with a deformity, I wouldn’t notice because that is not who you are.  This perspective changed my view of people and helped me look at myself with different eyes. I realized if I was a moral person, I could be beautiful too.

We have the power not only to transform our bodies and our emotions through movement, but we also have the power to change others. When we are kind and considerate. When we show others respect or have empathy for others, this can create the same affect that anti depressants have on people. This effect can be reversed also. If we are dishonest, or mean. Hateful or spiteful, not only will it make us depressed, it will also cause more depression and anxiety in the world. This is evident to me, as I come from a trailer with a single mom, to a point in my life where I am fairly successful. I notice those who come from an environment that had love and honesty, kindness and compassion, the children who come from that upbringing carry those virtues with them. However in the ghetto, people may fight you just because you look at them. In my opinion it is almost like they are afraid that you will see them and their sadness and so guard that vulnerable part of themselves fiercely. I look at them and think, “Under that protective mask you are a beautiful person!”

I used to look at the world and think that it was a very ugly place, but I don’t see things that way anymore. More often I look at the world and think of all the beauty and potential it has. I used to think that my life had no meaning and that things were futile. I realize more and more everyday that I am a human. The most incredible and intelligent being on the planet. I first learned that I possessed the power to cure my depression and conquer myself. To conquer the lazy part of my mind that tries to talk me out of doing things to better myself, like exercise and spiritual practice. Now I am learning that I have the power to change parts of my community and even the attitudes of others simply by treating others the way I treated myself. By forgiving them and sharing a little kindness. So the next time you feel depressed or anxious take a walk. Get some fresh air. Feel your body working. Look around you and see the trees and grass. Forgive yourself and let go of whatever you are holding onto and try to remember that you are beautiful!