I'm in love

“Anyone who does not love does not know god. God is love. Whoever lives in love lives in god, and god in him.” 1 John 4:16b

What is it like to be in love? Being in love is not a choice. I realized this recently. It happened without my consent. There was this interesting magic in the air when I was around this person. I recognized the feeling which was so strange to me cause I’ve been single for four years and I was not looking for it. But I was fascinated by the experience and the things that I was feeling. My chest was open in a very pure way. I felt light of heart. I felt this energy in my body. It was so powerful. I have read the tai chi classics where the old masters talked of tai chi creating a wave of energy that travels through your body like waves in the ocean. This is the first time I had felt anything like that. I admired her. There was an untapped potential and I saw it. Clear to me. Beautiful. Awe inspiring. She was so elegant, the way that she carried herself. She was more spirit than woman and when we were around each other an alchemy would occur. It was like we were energizing each other. It was incredible, and I have never felt it before.

I realized some interesting things about the way I was feeling. For instance I generally want people to do well, but I put her first. There was no need that I wanted fulfilled. I felt the same reciprocation from her. This is how we began to dance with each other. I also didn’t feel like I needed her around me, I felt like I needed her to be happy. As I watched her engage with people I saw how she was able to open people up. Everyone loved her. I’ve never seen anything like it. They truly would run up to her and laugh and hug and it was everyone she met. It was beautiful to watch. Even if she was across the room engaging with someone else there was always this constant stream of energy between us. There was no rush and then low. I was high the entire time, and it felt really good.

I didn’t feel jealous, which is interesting. I felt like I wanted the very best for her. Even if that didn’t involve me. I wanted her to achieve this potential I saw. To nurture and cultivate this gift she has to bring joy and love into the world. She was a free spirit and I did not want to place any chains on her. I was in love with her, and I didn’t think about myself. The entire encounter was effortless. It was organic. It was not awkward. We meditated and shared stories with each other. We cooked and hung out with friends. In these social situations I was able to witness her effect on the people around her. She was uplifting and wise. Encouraging but brave enough to be honest. To tell her true thoughts. She was a good listener. Kind and compassionate and constantly thought of others before her self. She was genuine. She was constantly being introspective and it had an affect on me. I began to more introspective as well.

I realized that I had been holding grudges. That maybe my perspective on things was  manifesting my own fears. I left my lovely weekend and began to make amends with old friends I had fallen out with. I called and was able to meet one of my brothers that I have been estranged from for many years. This was so healing to me. I began to feel this love for all of my friends and my community. I began to feel this love for myself. That feeling of openness and compassion made me realize that I had been very hard on myself. That I wasn’t treating myself well. This feeling was so real, so genuine that I began to look at myself in the mirror and ask myself hard questions. Are you 100% honest? Do you deceive? Are you righteous? Are you a really good friend? How much of your past influences the way you treat people? Are you selfish? She set this standard for how to be a human that was higher than my own and it inspired me to be a better person cause I could see the benefit that her character had on the people around her.

I’m not sure what the future holds and I’m not attaching any expectation on this. It has been such a selfless experience and it has made me feel that selflessness is a path to godliness. I have been inspired by this experience to become a better man. To tell hard truths, even if it is not in my benefit. It has inspired me to love more. To share this feeling with others. I feel empowered by it, and it motivates me to better myself. To let go of toxic emotions. To be kind and not manifest a dark future for myself or the world. I’m opening right now, and I realized that the closed feeling I had was actually holding onto my old emotional tension. I’ve been hurt so I closed off the part that loves, because I didn’t want it to hurt me. I’m not afraid of this anymore. I’m not attached, I’m just in love. I am beginning to look at the world and see that many people are in this closed state. I feel so much compassion for those of you who are. I was closed for many years and letting go of fear and anger has been the most rewarding thing in life. I’m happy right now. I love you. All of you. I know the world is crazy. It’s easy to see all the bad out there but look at the good. You’re a beautiful human. All of you. You are worthy of a good life. You deserve to be treated well, especially by yourself. You are worth it!